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53 Mondays

by The Urbane Decay

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1.
PART ONE: NANAIMO January 1st, 2007 Over x-mas I started hanging out with Marie from the coffee shop and I’m in the process of having my heart broken because she’s in love with some guy in Ireland who’s in the process of breaking her heart . I guess 2007 is going to be like every other year. New Years Resolution: Stop fucking shit up. ----------------------- Happy New Year Not quite yet It’s the same disappointments And the same regrets Why can’t it be easy Like fixing a bike? Just meet a nice girl And have a nice life Why can’t it be simple Just this once? With no broken hearts That shatter for months Happy New Year Yeah, I guess I’ll be here for you I’ll do my best
2.
January 8th If I hear one more well meaning remark about how I’m a “catch” and anyone would be “crazy” not to date me when clearly I’m not a catch because no-one is crazy enough to date me… It ’s mostly just infuriating to hear when it comes from lips that rank among those who’d rejected me. ----------------------- Women still don’t want me But there’s no end to the line Of women lining up to tell me Those other women are out of their minds “If they don’t want you they just don’t know what they want” Well, they seem to want those other guys Or to be left alone to cry You’re afraid I’m falling And I’m afraid of bees But I’m more afraid you’ll never be Falling in love with me If I reached out Would you let me hold your hand? ‘Cause you know, you gotta know I’d never let you go I don’t understand how he can stand to let you go
3.
January 15th, 2007 Having decided to start calling myself a Taoist, I start ed to look into Buddhism. So far Taoism the only belief system that ’s made sense in my life. Unless I count Star Wars. Which I probably should not . I do have some issues with ludicrous ideas like karma and reincarnation . Still hanging out with Marie. ------------------------------ I don’t believe in Karma I don’t believe in reincarnation I have some issues with Dharma I don’t believe in Nirvana It always seemed a little fishy to me I tried real hard but I guess I don’t wanna I don’t believe in any kind of heaven I don’t believe in any kind of heaven I don’t believe in any kind of heaven Except the heaven by your side
4.
January 22nd, 2007 Turns out the blissful existence of “following the Tao” is only obtainable when things are already going well on their own . It ’s easy to live in the moment when the moment is good. I think I’ve been lying to myself that I can handle this ambiguous situation with Marie. ------------------------- I lost my Zen I don’t know how or when But it’s gone It’s gone, it’s really gone This weekend I fell to pieces Torn at the folds and creases I fell apart like an envelope Full of bits of my heart Sent in the mail Placed at your door At your door You’re never going to forgive me When I ruin this friendship we have On that day when I look in yours eyes You know what I’m going to say
5.
January 29th, 2007 Marie was over yesterday. We had “silent reading” in the afternoon as she had studying to do. It was really nice and there were several moments which would have been “cinema perfect ” if I’d kissed her. But something in her manner always tells me that would be a tragic mistake. ---------------------- When we were reading on the couch You leg was keeping my feet warm I may have seemed serene and indifferent But inside my heart there raged a storm It was so hard not to touch you Not to shower you in kisses like the rain Not to say it over and over Not to say again and again How I love you, how I love you How I love you, how I love you I said I was going to live without fear But I was afraid you’d cover your ears And sing: “La la la la la la la la la – I can’t hear you!”
6.
February 5th, 2007 The monotony of this job is absolutely fucking killing me. Lately it ’s a double-whammy of head-exploding office politics bullshit and soul-withering tedium. I thought I could stay at this one for a while. It ’s fucking destroying me. I just feel like running away. -------------------- I’m so fucking bored at work I can’t go in the morning I may just go berzerk So if I just show up at your door without warning Have a bag packed, you’re ditching school You’re sick of classes and I’m sick of rules Because I’m so bored of work We’re hitting the road in the morning And your professors are all total jerks We’re hitting the road in the morning But we both know I’m all talk I’ll turn off my alarm and punch the clock I won’t be standing at your door I’m going to work in the morning
7.
February 12th, 2007 I’m coming to terms with the fact not hing will, or can ever, happen with Marie. All the single women in town are either a decade younger than me or just aren’t interested. I need to get out of Nanaimo. ------------------------- I wanted to be wanted by you You don’t want to be wanted by anyone Just to fade like a dimming star Not blaze like a shining sun It’s scary to be needed And I always end up letting people down too But everyone lets everyone down And I so wanted to be let down by you Everyone lets everyone down I so want to be needed by you
8.
February 19th, 2007 We had the CD release part y for “Crushed” last weekend. On her blog my ex Chelsee called our set “what amounts to a recital of his diary, the kind with a fun-fur pink heart on the cover and a little lock on the side.” Tracy said inviting all my ex’s to the show and singing songs about them made me look “undateable.” I suspect this is why Marie's valentine to me was decidedly platonic. I feel tired. I’m impressed Britney Spears shaved her head. I wonder if this is how it feels. -------------------------- I want to fall asleep For about 10,000 years Nobody wake me Until all the people are all gone Nobody wake me ‘til it’s clear I’m going to sleep, to sleep, to sleep
9.
February 26th, 2007 Ken had a Punk Rock themed costume party. I aimed for Elvis Costello but hit “investment banker circa 1985” instead. I got too drunk. Again . Either a need to blow-of f steam or just escape everything. Tracy and I sat on the kitchen floor and talked about what had prevented us from dating after Chelsee and I broke up. Ken overheard and came up and told us we're absolutely not allowed to date. Matt and I sat on the back porch smoking cigarettes of all things which means I’m getting nihilistic again. Matt pierced his ears with safety pins which probably means he is too. ----------------------------------- Got too drunk at the punk rock party Didn’t mean to hit it so hard Comparing pain and comparing scars Somewhere we took it too far Matt’s sticking safety pins in his ears Tracy’s in the Bathroom in tears Dark things none of us confronts Because we’re only young once Only young once Youth is flaming like a torch Smoking cigarettes on the porch I haven’t been this lonely in months And we’re only young once Only young once As I spin my way to the door I reckon I’m not young anymore
10.
March 5th, 2007 I’ve been walking around in a black tunnel . It just keeps going deeper underground and I can’t see any exits. I’ve also been drinking alone. A lot. By that I mean frequently and copious amounts. Wine mostly. In the bath. Carissa made a list on a whiteboard of everyone she knows in two collumns: Sane / Insane. I was in the insane collumn. Marie told me not to obsess over it. ------------------------ Sometimes the future feels like it’s been destroyed You tell me to relax and stop being so paranoid Sometimes the future feels like it’s been undone I’m in the insane collumn on the white board But I’m not the only one I drank a bottle of wine and a half Suddenly things didn’t seem so bad I didn’t cry myself to sleep in the bath Suddenly nothing seemed so bad Sometimes the future feels like it’s been destroyed You tell me to relax and stop being so paranoid
11.
March 12th, 2007 I felt pretty good this morning. Then Marie told me I should because every morning we “choose” our attitude for the day. Then told me if I couldn’t “decide” to be happy, that I had a mental health issue. And I was suddenly back in that black tunnel. ------------------------------- This morning I was so damn happy It was like the black clouds had drifted away It was kind of even a sunny day But by lunch it had turned into a swift kick A one-two punch I was mulling over something my friend said to me About choosing you attitude every morning You’re having a good day And these platitudes come at you without any warning A one-two punch A swift kick Maybe she got the wisdom But I got the sick
12.
March 19th, 2007 Went to my parents’ house for dinner to celebrate my mom’s birthday. It didn’t take long before they started asking me if I was dating anyone. Unbearable. ----------------------- Happy Birthday Momma Cut your cheesecake with a knife As you serve me a slice Casually ask me if there’s any women in my life Happy birthday momma, I think I’ll have that second beer now
13.
March 26th, 2007 Marie and I had dinner. She insisted on paying. When she dropped me off we sat in her car and looked at the sky for a while which was a really gorgeous indigo colour. It was another one of those perfect moments for kissing her I let slip by. We agreed I’d come to Victoria and buy her dinner but somehow I know it ’s not going to happen. ------------------------ The sky is the colour of paint Used by somebody in love When they’re painting the ceiling To look like how they feel inside Like a twilit sky When they’re painting the bedroom To look like how they feel in their heart Not bright but not dark Maybe the stars will fall If we wish them to Maybe the stars will fall For me and you “Such a beautiful sky,” you say “Such beautiful light,” you say “Such a beautiful, beautiful day” Such beautiful sky, such beautiful light I don’t want to say goodbye Tonight, tonight, tonight
14.
April 2nd, 2007 According to Tracy I have a reputation around town as being “girl crazy.” Personally, I don’t think I’m so much girl crazy as “single.” She also said she’d never date me because she didn’t want Urbane Decay songs written about her. I opted not to tell her how many had already been written. ---------------------- You said word on the street Is I’ve completely gone girl-crazy I hardly think that’s true But I’ve been girl-crazy for you And if you crush me back I’ll stick all my other crushes In a burlap sack And drown them by the bullrushes Like kittens in a sack You said word on the street Is I’ve completely gone girl-crazy I hardly think that’s fair I’m just putting myself out there And if give me a chance I’d burn all the poems I wrote in fits of romance And toss the ashes off a boat All the poems that I wrote for all my other crushes I’d toss them off a boat and drown them by the bullrushes like kittens in a sack Like kittens in a sack
15.
First Crush 01:22
April 9th, 2007 I stumbled across Ellen, my first ever crush, on Facebook somehow. We're meeting for coffee. And I’d just been talking about her (her brother actually) with Stephen last week. Weird... ------------------- The first crush I ever had On the very first day of the first grade She was blond like Chrissy on Three’s Company And all the difference that it made I found her again just this week on Facebook Maybe this time she’ll give me a second look First crush You made me blush First crush You made my blood rush First crush You made my heart gush First crush You made my brain mush Is she really going to come To my gig next Tuesday night? I might hide in the smoke room Too afraid of fright
16.
April 16th, 2007 After a hectic weekend of too many gigs, I’ve suddenly, unexpectedly, come to a very Zen-like place where I’m 100% okay with being single. To celebrate I baked a pie. Raspberry, of course. The first pie I’ve ever baked. Life is suddenly beautifully mundane. But I need another weekend to rest up ---------------------------- Cat’s been scratching the couch So I kicked her out Ate my dinner on the couch Rice’n’beans in a pita pouch And a dark, dark ale Yet I’m feeling so pale And a dark, dark ale My soul is so very pale It’s Monday Nite — I need another weekend It’s Monday Nite — I need another weekend Gonna bake me a pie Dunno why, I just wanna try A raspberry pie Dunno why, I just wanna try I would share it with you It’s been a pretty good Monday.
17.
April 23rd, 2007 So, Eli and Danielle have been trying to set me up with their friend Nicole on Facebook. “Not a fucking chance in hell ,” I said. First of all I’m enjoying this new found acceptance of being single and second she lives in bloody Toronto. The ot her side of the country, they may have not iced. And I promised myself no more internet entanglements. Curiosity (or boredom or a combination) of course got the better of me at work and I looked at he picture. And she’s pretty cute. So I messaged her. And she’s pretty cool . I’m supposed to phone her tonight. Aiyee. The kicker of it all is she was living in Victoria until last week. Makes me think of the “Miss ed Connections” column on Craigslist. --------------------------- Missed Connection — We never had a chance Missed Connection — Do you think had a chance? Our friends meant to set us up But they never did Missed Connections I’ll write to you in Missed Connections And if I don’t die of fright, I’ll call you tonight If I don’t die of fright, I’ll call you on the phone
18.
April 30th, 2007 Things with Nicole are moving fast. We’re writing a flurry of emails by day and talking on the phone by night. I wish we could just have coffee and get to know each other face to face. You don’t really know on the internet/phone. It ’s frustrating. But magical . --------------------- I have a Monday off and all I want to do Is go have coffee, go to a movie with you But you’re way out there. Way out in Toronto But until we meet, until we hold hands We’ll don’t know Until we kiss, until we cuddle We’ll never know I thought it was too late To meet a soul mate I have a Monday off A should get on a plane, get out there Because until we kiss, until we cuddle It’s up in the air Until we kiss, until we cuddle We’re up in the air
19.
Phone Date 01:20
May 7th, 2007 I have a girlfriend. 3,000 miles away and we’ve only spoken on the phone. Oddly, my dateability in town seems to have increased. When you start dating you always become more desirable. Or, being taken , you just accept attention instead of doubting and dissecting it to death . Or your ego is pumped-up and you get totally delusional. Which is probably the case here. ------------------ I’m dating a girl Though we’ve never met before We talk online we talk on the phone I’m missing a girl Though we’ve never met before And like clockwork out of the woodwork Girls are knocking at my door They smell blood Another bachelor’s got it bad I’m missing a girl Though we’ve never met before We date on the phone we date on the phone
20.
Quitter 01:02
May 14th, 2007 I think I’m going to quit my job and move to Toronto. It’s the only thing that makes sense at this point. I have to get out of this town and this job. ----------------------- I’m gonna quit my job And fl y away to you girl gonna quit my job And fl y away to you girl Gonna sprout some silver wings And fl y into the sky I’m gonna quit all this bullshit And lay by your side Gonna quit all this bullshit And lay by your side Gonna lay with you Under the cherry moonlight
21.
May 21st, 2007 I guess falling in love naturally makes you think about babies. I think I really don’t want to contribute to the spread of humanity. I found a group called the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement (www.vhemt.org). Stephen says there’s report s the bees are vanishing from the earth. Who’s going to pollinate the plants? We’re fucked. --------------------- There’s too many ants on this hill Too many dogs in the trash Some people are scrambling for food And others are scrambling for cash Make love, not babies Human beings are just another form of rabies And the dogs are so sick The dogs are so sick Too many cooks in the stew There ain’t no fi sh in the see Too many text messages buzzing in the air And now no one can find the bees Make love, not babies Human beings are just another form of rabies And the dogs are so sick The dogs are so sick
22.
60 Seconds 01:28
May 28, 2007 Nicole is writing a song for me. No one’s ever written a song about me before. She’s going to sing it when I visit in June. Terribly, incredibly excited. I feel like we don’t have time to waste. I’ve finally found someone. I feel full of sunshine and longing. ------------------ You wrote a song I’ve never heard Not a lick, not a word But I know it by heart You have lips I’ve never kissed Not in the rain, not in the mist Yet I am so sure of this I know your body’s every curve Every sinew and every nerve Every texture and every taste And every minute that we waste Is sixty seconds that we waste Sixty seconds that we’ve lost forever
23.
June 4th, 2007 Only five more sleeps until I see Nicole! I feel like a little kid again. Like it’s Christmas. -------------------- Five more sleeps until I’m sleeping beside you Five more dreams And I won’t be dreaming no more Five more mornings Until you’re suddenly too close Five more showers Until I get you out of your clothes Five more nights until our dreams Melt together like moonbeams All my dreams seem to turn into nightmares What start as feather beds, end up as electric chairs Five more nights until the sun never sets until the sun never sets again
24.
June 11th, 2007 I’m in Toronto! Things are as good as hoped for with Nicole. And I even like Toronto more than expected. It ’s not all grey crumbling buildings and smog like I’d been lead to believe. But maybe that ’s because I’m in love. I could really see myself living here. People are friendlier than on the west coast too. And I haven’t seen a single meth addict on the street since I got here. -------------------- You walked me around the city That was neither ugly nor pretty And wasn’t really any more polished And wasn’t really anymore gritty It was the same old records being bought And the same crack pipes being sold And maybe it’s because the sun gets so hot It makes the buildings look so old And the people on the subway Seem full of the same fears and cares As people on subways everywhere But that’s neither here nor there Because I’m here now (You’re here now) I’m here now (I don’t want you to go back there…)
25.
June 18th, 2007 I’m back in Nanaimo and I feel like part of my soul has been ripped from me. Which is good—you should feel like that when you leave your lover behind—but it ’s almost unbearable. At least I know I’m moving there in September. ----------------------- I’m no longer whole I forgot a piece of my soul under your pillow under your head it dreams beside you in your bed where we used to lay where we used to sleep where our kisses were dark and our kisses were deep and the light of the morning thick as molasses; as our hands in the night poured over our skin feeling each other’s fears forgiving our sins two lonely hearts joined at the soul no longer apart finally whole shooting like sparks buring like coal but now we’re apart I’m no longer whole
26.
June 25th, 2007 Eventually it had to happen. I was bound to start obsessing over Nicole’s ex’s. I feel like I’m 18 again — freaking out over stuff that doesn’t matter. I have to remember what the Tao tells me about the past not existing. Only the present matters. Tao didn’t help me out much after that phone call and the conversation about Nicole's romantic past. Not as much as drinking several beers and watching horror movies at Ken’s did. -------------------- After I placed the phone back in the cradle My stomach was sick with writing snakes So I went to my friends’ place and we got to drinking And I got myself a little drunk The Past is a Kundalini snake you shouldn’t let beneath your skin As we grow we shed all our mistakes We leave a trail of dry and withered sins The River knows which Way to flow The River knows which Way to flow
27.
July 2nd, 2007 I’ve start ed to get ready for the move by tackling my closets. I should have got ten rid of this stuff years ago. I found a box of promise rings and letters from old relationships. Nothing’s ever worked out. But it ’s my parents’ 40th anniversary today. So I guess some things do. ------------------------ I’ve been cleaning out my closets of the junk from my past Of the flotsam and jetsom of loves that didn’t last All those forgotten hearts I was keeping in the dark I’ve been tearing up my journals from when my heart got broken I don’t need no souvenirs of words that should never have been spoken And there’s cockles of my heart I’d rather keep hidden in the dark I found a box of promise rings and thought about your wedding band We’ve both promised things We’ve worn them on our hands And some 40 years ago today my parents joined their hearts Traded golden rings and started rutting in the dark
28.
July 9th, 2007 I must really be in love because I’m selling my vinyl. I have 13 crates packed up to sell that Jack's coming over to look at. I’m allowing myself to keep six, but I suspect I could cut it down to one or two if I tried. I own too much stuff . And owning hundreds of records seems simply absurd. ------------------- Nothing here but a bunch of old records Box ‘em up and I’m selling ‘em off I haven’t got much use for people singing the blues They’re just a bunch of dirty old records Box ‘em up and I’m selling ‘em off Nothing here but a bunch of dust and nothing but some cardboard sleeves Nothing but some vinyl circles Somebody come buy them please Lots of love songs That ended terribly wrong Nothing but a bunch of dirty old records Box ‘em up and I’m selling ‘em off
29.
July 16th, 2007 Only nine more days of work then I’m free. I’ve promised myself that whatever I end up doing in Toronto, it won’t be as soul withering as here at the magazine. Better to work for minimum wage at a record store. -------------------- I’m leaving my job in nine working days Selling everything I own and moving away I’ll find something else whatever it pays The kind of job I can quit The kind where they don’t care if you’re late The kind where you show up and get paid I’m getting off this “crazy train” I’m leaving my job in nine working days Selling my couch and my car So when I fall, I’ll fall in your arms So when you fall you’ll fall in my arms
30.
July 23rd, 2007 With all the sorting of junk and packing I’ve been doing aft er work, I haven’t done the dishes in a while. I came home to literally hundreds of newly hatched flies in my kitchen. It was like a horror movie or the apocalypse. I went all Resident Evil on their ass with a can of Raid. I think one of the boxes I got from my parents last night must have been infested with eggs. The sound of hundreds of slowly dying flies is, FYI, sickening. --------------------- I came home to a kitchen full of flies A hundred or so and a few thousand eyes They were hanging on the window sill trying to find a mate They were eating scraps of food and fucking on the plates I came home to a kitchen full of flies I sprayed them with a can of insecticide And I listened to them die
31.
July 30th, 2007 I got a wisdom toot h extracted today. Does that make me less wise? Or just more likely to watch movies and eat pudding? ----------------------- Today I was behooved to have my wisdom removed I thought it would make me more wise Able to discern the truth within lies It was rotting in my mouth I had to get it out Before it poisoned my soul blackened it like coal Today I was behooved to have my wisdom removed Before it poisoned my soul Before it poisoned my soul
32.
Nite Voices 02:03
August 6th, 2007 The teenagers who live next door are me bonkers with their constant all-night raging house parties. It’s the fucking landlords son so I can’t even fucking complain. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t listen to crunk. Glad I’m moving. If I wasn’t I’d have to do something. ------------------------ The youth next door, living it up Raging hard, without letting up A voice cries out in the night Ricochets off the street lights Every night... I’m glad I’m moving out Can’t take another night
33.
Zombie Town 01:08
August 13th, 2007 I’m sick of this town. I’m of the meth zombies roaming everywhere. I’m sick of the grey and the dirt and the apathy and the feeling like nothing you do matters. I hate how I feel like this town is forcing me to leave. It ’s strange to feel rage for a whole city; for a way of life. --------------------------- Everywhere I look there’s zombies In the alleys, on their knees Walking despite their death Reanimated by crystal meth DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! Take me down to Zombie Town ZED-OH-EM-BEE-AYE-EEE!
34.
New Life 01:18
August 20th, 2007 Nicole is here in Nanaimo! Helping me pack. I’m taking her to Coombs today to meet the parents and see where I grew up. My new life start s now. -------------------------- It’s the very first week of my brand new life Going home to show off the future wife My mom will hint at grandchild hopes My dad will make his corny jokes We’ll walk around the old homestead and I’ll wish we just stayed in bed Starting, starting, starting our brand new life
35.
August 27th, 2007 I’ve been in this apartment for five years. We had a going away party/show/art sale. Nicole and I sang a set. Chelsee sat directly in front of her and bawled her eyes out. Still, the room felt full of love. I also sold a lot of paintings (honestly, this was shocking). The night made me more fond of this town and everyone here. Chelsee told me not to “fuck things up” in Toronto. I told her I planned to do my best not to. --------------------------- Goodbye Terminal Avenue Goodbye Helen and Steve I enjoyed havin’ you For neighbors but I have to leave There comes a time you have to leave Goodbye Terminal Avenue Goodbye junkies and hoes I’ve taken all I can of you And now it’s time to go It’s really time to go I never thought I’d live Here as long as I did A street down from “easy” One row over from “skid” Goodbye Terminal Avenue
36.
PART TWO: TORONTO September 3rd, 2007 In Toronto now. We’re in a room in a friend’s basement in the dreary East End. I’m feeling utterly disconnected from everything. I didn’t expect to feel this way in the first week. Trying not to feel like I've made a huge mistake. Once my stuff arrives and I start working it ’ll be okay. I just feel lost today. At least Nicole has a guitar and I have a set of keys now. ----------------------------- Hello new town I came from far away With just a suitcase and my heart Treat me right and I’ll do the same Don’t let everything fall apart Everything I knew is far away
37.
On The TTC 01:57
September 10th, 2007 I’m filling my time exploring the city, riding the TTC. I’m sort of figuring out where everything is. Trying to figure out how to connect with the “scene” here, going to record stores and stuff. Seems like there’s no unity here — like there’s a bunch of little scenes vaguely linked together. I think I might start a zine. I’ve been painting in the basement and watching Star Trek. Avoiding the sun like a vampire. -------------------------------- There’s no reason to leave the house This neighborhood is nothing to see So I make my way down to Queen Street And try to make friends with the record store geeks I spend my days on the TTC With nothing to do and nowhere to be We might have somewhere to live now Way on the other side of town With cute little streets and coffee shops Close to where the subway stops I spend my days on the TTC With nothing to do and nowhere to be
38.
September 17th, 2007 Out walking today I found a dead squirrel on the side of the road. He looked like he just fell over dead — mid-stride. I thought it was odd no one had cleaned it up. But then I just kept walking too. ---------------------------- This morning after I returned a DVD A DVD about The Queen to the corner grocery I saw a squirrel in the street Stiff and dead laying on his side Laying on his side without a mark like he just simply died Like he might have froze to death or maybe ran out of breath And his fur danced in the breeze and the leaves were turning in the trees And it looked like no one cared No one cared; they just left him there I guess I didn’t care I didn’t care; I just left him there And I noticed the leaves are turning red in the trees
39.
September 24th, 2007 I found Nicole’s diaries in the trash. Which is only odd because when we made a bit of a ritual out of burning mine in a campfire last month she said she wanted to keep her ’s. Which is fine, of course, but I’m wondering why she now has thrown them out in secret. It could be because every other entry seems to be about her past romantic encounters. I want to ask her about why she's secretly discarded them, but I'm obviously going to have to tell her I didn't read them. This is awkward. ----------------------------- I rescued your diaries from the garbage can after you went to work When we burned mine you said you were keeping yours But you threw them out in secret and I had to wonder why Were you just protecting me from my own curiosity? Or were you just burying the past under egg shells and banana peels— memories you do not feel anymore Don’t worry, I didn’t read them I wrapped them in a plastic bag You can throw them out again If that’s what you really want to do but only if that’s what you want to do And this time Let’s do it together This time Let’s do it together
40.
IKEA Dresser 01:10
October 1st, 2007 We’ve moved! Into a great new apart ment in Bloor West Village. Our first real place together. Feels like things are looking up. And now that we have a place, I can finally get my stuff shipped here. Home at last! -------------------------- Goodbye Springdale Blvd Goodbye Coxwell Station Goodbye basement room with no air circulation And feeling — dislocated And feeling — like a wraith Like a grave that’s been vacated Or a priest who’s lost his faith Assembling our IKEA dresser in out first apartment together We have a home on Jane Street
41.
October 8th, 2007 Went to the apartment upstairs for Thanksgiving turkey. Nicole's coworker lives up there (how we got the downstairs place). Anyway, seems like vaguely absurd holiday in this day and age. With climate change and Darfur and all that. Thanks to who? God? Thanks for what? Pie? Wine? ------------------------ Thanks be given for the bird Thanks be given for the wine And for the global warming and the land mines Thanks be given for the gravy Thanks be given for the pie And for the smog and garbage and the little white lies we are told and we tell about Heaven, about Hell And the poison in the well like the little white lies we tell Thanks be given but to who?
42.
October 15th, 2007 It ’s time to dust of f the resumé and start looking for work. I’m feeling useless. I need to feel productive. And working on paintings no one will see and music no one’s ever going to hear isn’t doing it for me anymore. I don’t think I’ll feel like I’ve really moved here until I’m working. This is the longest I’ve been unemployed since my nervous breakdown in 2000 and I spent a year on EI. ---------------------------- Work history? It’s no mystery I’ve worked everywhere and they loved me there I brought the coffee in; I ran the baby pool Yeah, I only left to go back to school Give me a job I’m a real team player A dynamic hard worker with exquisite interpersonal skills I got certificates and I got degrees Seven years experience in the Industry I can multitask I’ve got the skills I can YouTube and Facebook while I pay my bills Give me a job I’m a real team player A dynamic hard worker with exquisite interpersonal skills
43.
October 22nd, 2007 Life has taken on a vague, listless quality. Wake up, apply for jobs, walk, bed, repeat. Winter is coming, furnace got turned on today. Drank coffee on the steps of a church, watched traffic go by and listened to Thom Yorke's 'The Eraser'. ----------------------------- Sitting on the steps of a red-brick church where the saints and the gargoyles perch The busses stop and the busses start The cars hiss by like deflating hearts In the basement the Boilerman stokes the fire
44.
October 29th, 2007 Found out my ex-friend, occasional "on the drunken down low" lover Kevin is dying of a brain-tumor There was a time I would have wished it on him since he was the roommate who Tikki, my girlfriend of the time, cheated on me with. Hypocritical on my part? Yes. Which makes it even more difficult to send some kind of message of support. I never really forgave him. Not because of the girl though. She was toxic on her own. So was I. We all were. Young, fucked up and unhealthy. ----------------------- The blackness from her soul got into your head I won’t pretend I never wished you dead Schadenfreude can be enjoyed at this time of year The Reaper stands behind you on hallows eve Tears fall like wet October leaves Schadenfreude can be enjoyed at this time of year
45.
Hired Gun 01:36
November 5th, 2007 Haven’t found permanent work yet. I’ve been picking up temp jobs. It ’s kind of interesting to walk into an office for a day. Like watching a workplace sitcom. You don’t get much respect though. ---------------------------- I’m a hired gun I don’t do it for fun I’m a cog in the wheel I don’t get paid to feel
46.
Note To Self 01:11
November 12th, 2007 Being out of work is really getting to me. I feel simply purposeless. I don’t feel connected to the city at all. Like I’m still just visiting. It ’s taking its toll on things with Nicole and I too. I’m depressed and just simply feel emasculated in a profound way. It ’s not a money thing, I just need to be doing something. I guess I can t really complain though I’m not stuck in the slums of Rio. ---------------------------- Remember this when you’re falling apart: They got it worse in Afghanistan They got it worse in Rio de Janiero When you can’t find a job and your coffee’s gotten cold, remember: They got it worse in the Baltic states They got it worse in Africa When your girlfriend’s mad because you seem to have lost all your passion, remember: They got it worse in the Middle East They got it worse in the USA When your life has no purpose and you feel you’ve lost your connection to the community and all you do is walk around, alone, remember, remember this: They got it worse in Afghanistan They got it worse in Rio de Janiero They got it worse in the Baltic states They got it worse in the U-S-of-A
47.
Produktiv 01:27
November 19th, 2007 More temp work. This company might hire me permanently. Or they might not . I hope someone hires me soon . Anyone, anywhere. ------------------------------ Productive Productive Productive Productivity I want to go to work on Monday mornings Even if it’s really very boring I just want to feel productive again I want to ride the commuter train Productive Productive Productive Productivity
48.
November 26th, 2007 Most of social interaction is online, with people thousands of miles away. There’s something very modern and very wrong about that. No wonder I feel so disconnected. I’m doing better than Andrew, I think, though. He’s isolated himself in a farmhouse in a small maritime village. ----------------------------- Sending postcards to people I only Speak to playing online Scrabble and occasional Facebook babble and occasional internet babble We all become ones and zeros We all become zeros and ones I talked to Andrew on the phone in our own ways, we’re both alone We all become ones and zeros We all become zeros and ones
49.
Like a Tree 01:16
December 3rd, 2007 I got a job! How’s that for a birthday wish granted!? The Ministry of the Environment no less. We had some friends over to celebrate and eat cake and all that. Launched my online store too. I feel like the world is suddenly blossoming with possibilities again. At the same time, I feel old. Less alive. Spread thin. -------------------------- It’s getting colder I’m another year older and I Wonder if I’m growing up Another year older I’m growing colder does that mean I’m growing up? When I was a child Adults seemed emotionless Every year I feel my emotions less Does that mean I’m growing up or slowly dying outward from the core like a tree – count my rings like a tree – count my rings It’s getting colder I’m another year older and I Wonder if I’m growing up
50.
Still Birth 01:30
December 10th, 2007 I might have been wrong about finding a job being the cure for my depression . Or maybe it just takes time. And maybe I’m not as fucked up as I think I am sometimes. Love the job though . Even feel like the world might not be doomed aft er all. ----------------------------- Working for the Ministry of Mother Earth Wonder if I’ll ever be more than a still birth Maybe I’m wrong about the end of the world Maybe I’m wrong about my head, girl What if I’m wrong? about the end of it all What if I’m wrong? Blame has to fall Maybe I’m wrong...
51.
December 17th, 2007 Big snow! Following behind a coworker at lunch, I noticed there’s something intimate about stepping in someone else’s snowy foot prints. Trying not to read into that or let it make me feel like I'm cheating on Nicole. Which is does, somehow. If I were to be honest, I've been noticing other women a lot lately. --------------------------- Knee deep in a snowy day I follow your footprints into the grey
52.
December 24th, 2007 Sounds like crazy shit went down at the annual Rawk-a-Thon in Nanaimo—big punk rock charity show held every December 23rd. Last year’s seems like a lifetime ago. I miss everyone and it ’s strange not seeing my family this year. But it ’s also Nicole’s and my first x-mas together. Trying not to wonder if we'll share another. ------------------------------- I’m not going home this year I missed the Rawk-a-thon They rocked with me gone I’m bet no one shed a tear This silent night is me and you Our first Christmas It’s all new! It’s all new! At work we got to leave early Because it’s Christmas Eve, girlie Our first Christmas Eve
53.
Resolve 01:52
December 31st, 2007 Feeling blue this New Year’s Eve. I always do. My least favourite holiday. I guess I’m finding this New Year’s bitter-sweet. Caught between the love I found and the friendships I lost. I don’t think I fucked anything up. It's just gotten fucked up on its own somehow. So I guess that resolution stuck, anyway. ------------------------------ I always hated New Years Eve It’s never a good time Expectations run too high I never cared for Auld Lang Syne Should acquaintance be forgot Where I left it at the bar I guess it wasn’t worth a lot I guess somethings never are I stuck to my resolution I didn’t fuck shit up too bad I accomplished all my goals the only one I ever had Just to find someone to love and not fuck it up too bad I stuck to my resolution: Don’t fuck anything up again Don’t fuck anything up again Don’t fuck anything up again

about

In 2007 I set myself a goal: Write and record a song on every Monday without fail.

Somehow I managed to achieve the goal, with pretty mixed results, for each of the 53 Mondays that calendar year. Even on July 30th when I'd had a wisdom tooth removed that morning. I'm proud I completed the project, if not every song or performance.

53 MONDAYS begins with me crushing on a too-young-for-me woman in Nanaimo, BC (tracks 1-35) and ends with me having moved to Toronto, ON, (tracks 36-53) to be with a different woman whom I was trying desperately to convince myself I was in love with.

I'm not sure I conceived of the resultant album being an audio journal of the year, but the unabashedly autobiographical style I was working in at the time determined it. Listening to the album is a very strange experience for me now as it details the what seems like the last gasp of my very extended adolescence. I really have trouble recognizing the self-deluded, insane person who wrote these songs.

At the time there weren't streaming services available where I could post these songs on my blog as they were written (Myspace was almost the only option and it had prohibitive upload limits at the time). The project would've been perfect for something like embedding Soundcloud players on a Wordpress blog, but Soundcloud wouldn't be founded until August of that year and Bandcamp wouldn't launch until 2008. It's hard to remember a world without these ubiquitous services now but such was the case.

It's probably for the best it was still the Internet dark ages, really, since the narrative would've taken a much different direction as I became more of a social pariah with each passing week and each passive aggressive and dirty-laundry-airing lyric. About halfway through the year I became aware of the negative effects the "honest" lyrics of my regular songs were having on my relationships and I began to back away from documenting the more personal aspects of my life. As a result, I began to concentrate on more mundane topics like job searches and public transit. By the end of the year a few of the songs in this project ("This Silent Night" for example) almost become outright lies in order to avoid awkward conversations about the lyrics—though in my defense, I can see in hindsight that at the time I was still lying to myself that the relationship was working out.

In 2008 I released the album with a 16 page zine that included actual diary excerpts giving each song context. They've been included in the "lyrics" section of each song here.

credits

released February 5, 2008

© 2007-2008 Jakob Rehlinger

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The Urbane Decay Toronto, Ontario

The Urbane Decay was an indie pop recording project mainly active between 2002-2010, mainly by Jakob Rehlinger, mainly maudlin and mopey.

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