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A.M. and I had very tentative series of dates over a few months. About midway through she gave me the "it's not you" speech, which I took at her word—she simply wasn't in a place to date anyone. That's cool. Naturally, I invented a "yet" at the end of the sentence.

Unbeknownst to me, she actually was dating (much more seriously) someone else. He would end up being the father of her children a few years later, and a they're truly a great match. In fact, I was, even at the time, happy for them. Just really unhappy for myself.

For some reason—well, some pretty obvious ones—she'd kept this other romance from me entirely. Saying "I like your friend better than you" was more awkward than "I can't date anyone right now." I would've probably done the same thing myself, as I'm pretty sure I actually have done that exact thing in the past.

Anyway, ignorant of her budding romance, and knowing better but apparently unable to help myself, I continued to court her. I wrote a bunch of short poems for her, bound it in a short chap-book, and sent to her in the mail on the morning of my birthday. That night we all went out as a group to celebrate said birthday at a Narduar show. When I arrived at the pub for pre-drinks, I saw them sitting close, leaned in together so that their elbows touched on the table. Well, that was my night sorted. Heartbroken, devastated, yet not even remotely surprised (which I was surprised to note), I carried on with the evening's plans and even tried to smile when she got Narduar to wish me happy birthday.

In the morning I wrote and recorded this song. I can hear in my voice I'd been crying (sounds like I have a cold).

lyrics

Elbows touching on the table
I suddenly see how it is
And it's kind of terrible in a way
I didn't know terrible could be

It's not like having the rug
Pulled out from under my feet
There's not floor, no building, there's not
So much as a vacant lot

But the puzzle has been falling into place
I've been pulling the pieces apart
Ignoring the voice in my head
Trying to calm the fear in my heart

I just wish I hadn't mailed
That letter this afternoon
It's a conversation I really don't want us to have
Any time soon

Elbows touching on the table
I suddenly see how it is
And it's kind of terrible in a way
I didn't know terrible could be

credits

from The Urbane Decay Has Never Kissed A Girl, released July 1, 2007

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The Urbane Decay Toronto, Ontario

The Urbane Decay was an indie pop recording project mainly active between 2002-2010, mainly by Jakob Rehlinger, mainly maudlin and mopey.

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