This song was, improbably, written about the semi-famous indie-cartoonist Julia Wertz, who was pretty much unknown at the time. I was publishing her Fart Party cartoons in the college paper where I worked and was somehow in charge of the comics section. The song makes it sound like we had some kind of torrid email affair, which we absolutely did not. We exchanged a couple emails relating to the comics in which she seemed cool enough, or whatever, but it went no further. I did, however, have a crush on her cartoon character, which is pretty messed up. I met her a couple years ago at TCAF and it was AWKWARD. Anyway, the more concrete details in the song about "Internet girls" were actually about some illicit Messenger chats I'd had with girls who I knew had boyfriends.
lyrics
I have a crush on a girl I’ve never even met
it’s unlikely I ever will and yet, and yet, and yet
I’m smitten like there’s kittens in mittens in my heart
and they’re trying to claw their way out
and they’re clawing my insides apart
apart, apart, apart
they’re clawing my insides apart
She found me on Flickr, she liked some picture, I guess, some picture I took
So I added her to my myspace page, I stuck her right in my top 8
I fell in love with the comics she drew about her love, about her life
I fell in love with her lovelife, I guess, I fell in love with her love
In love, in love, in love
I fell in love with her love
Go out, go take a chance
Get the clap off some dancehall tart
I’m gonna stay safe at home
Internet girls don’t break your heart
They flirt and tease without deceiving
Go home to their men and it isn’t cheating
They tell you secrets and it isn’t wrong
because they own your heart but they’ll never belong
To you, to you, to you
They’ll never belong to you
to you, to you, to you
they’ll never belong to you
I know if she lived in this town, of this I have no doubt
She would do nothing for me, I would just weird her out
And can you crush on somebody when you’ve plumbed
the depths of their soul
When you know the secrets they keep beneath their pillows at night
Like dirty little lumps of coal
They flirt and tease without deceiving
Go home to their men and it isn’t cheating
They tell you secrets and it isn’t wrong
Because they own your heart but they’ll never belong
To you, to you, to you
They’ll never belong to you
To you, to you, to you
They’ll never belong to you
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